I'd like to preface this post by saying that the ice on the tree outside my window is melting and making diamonds and crystal sparkles everywhere on top of the mud and bark and air and it's absolutely lovely.
To the point, however: it makes me so sad how many of the people my age I knew in Oneonta are still there and haven't grown up and away or made new friends. Some of them certainly want to leave, but they haven't... I guess it's one of the cons of having a college or two right in your town. It's not pathetic, but I do pity them. I've met so many amazing people and explored so many new places, and I can't stand Oneonta- and then facebook shows me what my old friends are doing, and they're all hanging out with the same people in the same place. I'm almost jealous that they've managed to save their relationships so well, but you know... I've tried hanging out with some of them again. It was so awkward and we had nothing to talk about. It was just in-jokes about SUCO and polite conversation about high school, which was- how many years ago now? - in the past. About two and a half years. I grew up in that time, but maybe... I wonder if some of them have.
I could really care less about the high school, or drama that goes on there. When I'm forced, kicking and screaming, to return to Oneonta for a break, all I want to do is hang out with my family (most of 'em, anyhow =P) and Ben, Ben, and Rachi. I've even grown apart from Jordy, for goodness' sakes. Maybe since this is a long break I'll hang out with Troy and everyone again, but who really knows? I'm going to hate it all and become depressed. It's gone beyond just not wanting to be in my family's house because of the dirt and the mess and hair and Mercedes and Dad, it's pretty much the entire city that I really don't want to be in, because the entire city only remembers Becky-as-she-was-two-years-ago, and even I don't like that person anymore. Going back is a depressing relapse to depression and introversion, it's nothing like going home. Home is Albany. I wouldn't mind Oneonta for visits to see family and people, but I never want to live there again. And I'm going to have to, for an entire month. Dread.
I guess... in the sense that I am once again forced back into those restraints, I am just as pitiable or more so than those who have never left.
Comments (3)
I had a whole argument written down to contradict you becky, but I can't say it.
I love Oneonta. Dad, Mom, Abby, and Eliza are there. Andy is there. I have friends I can ALWAYS connect with there. Sleeping on a dusty couch in a dusty room filled with Abby's art supplies and furniture to be stored gives me a better sleep than in albany on a mattress with adequate heating. The world is beautiful in Oneonta. I don't exactly know what you got on Oneonta to make you hate it so, but you can understand why I'm a bit disappointed in you for hating it.
Smart enough to know the world
is big.
Not enough to know how to talk
to people who only know small.
"kicking and screaming," really becky?
no wonder people think you're the same
you act like you're 4 again when you have to go back
to people that love you.
I pity you.
love,
jacob
@mr_mellowguy - Jake, I didn't act like I was four in Oneonta. I acted like the age I was, as I still do, no matter how I am treated. My kicking and screaming comment was to show that going back to stay is against my will and that I try to fight it. I know that this post was petulant, that's why it was on a seldom-read blog instead of anywhere effectual. It is absolutely not that I don't want to see the family again, or that I hate Oneonta, because had I hated it, I would have said so explicitly. I just can't stand living there myself. It's different. I understand that Oneonta is beautiful, and that it's your home and you love it- but it's not mine. We can be different, Jake. I've never pitied you, because you aren't the type of Oneontean who deserves it. Your longing for home comes from your love of it and your introversion. The people who have to stay there against their will due to laziness or financial contraints, without love to tie them there, are those that I pity- the ones who desire independence and don't have it yet.
I take offense at the idea that I can't talk to 'people who only know small'. For all my talk, I am still a small-town girl at heart and always will be, and I haven't lost that ability. Most of my friends here are from various small places, as are you, and I never have problems understanding. My disconnect with my old friends is due to the fact that, in the sense of having left home, they haven't yet and I have. I still talk to Ben R. all the time, and Rachi, and Ben F., and you know, Abby too, who understands me in this respect far better than you do, Jake.
I think that when I have a house of my own, a place to retreat to, I'll be fine to visit Oneonta sometimes again. But as long as the threat of losing my independence is there, I'm going to dislike it.
@Spotbunni - I mean that kicking and screaming is far more common to young'uns who don't wanna go than to twenty year olds. That's not a response or thought cycle common to those who know that we can't stay in Albany over the break, and that we have no where else to go.
If you don't hate it, then why can I cut and paste this? "I've met so many amazing people and explored so many new places, and I
can't stand Oneonta- and then facebook shows me what my old friends are
doing, and they're all hanging out with the same people in the same
place... ... I'm going to hate it all and become depressed." Maybe you only hate living there, but you didn't write that.
Speaking of semantics, when I say small, I mean the people who haven't jumped yet. Their world is that town until they jump. Their world is small. You said that you experience a disconnect with those who haven't left. That proves it. The closest people, ben and ben and the family will always be able to talk to you, but that's just another reason not to hate living there.
Privacy doesn't make petulance any less immature.
Of course we're different becky. Would i have argued if I was the same? Just like my belief that if the world is a better place, it doesn't matter who rules it. Like how I think dad isn't so bad with money as you may think. Like how I think that total independence isn't worth pursuing.
If you are totally independent, it is safe to say that you aren't dependent on anything. But to love requires dependence. You definitely know this. So why place your zone of no independence (where you no longer feel independent) before Oneonta, making it impossible to live with those you love? Because you can't just get up and go whenever you want? You want to be ultimate master of your world? That doesn't happen anyway, anywhere. You could be kicked out of your dorm room. Your house could be scheduled for demolition to make way for a hyperspace bypass. Anything could happen, of millions of things that you can't control that makes your world beyond your control. Threat of losing your independence? We are all dependent on a few things, and saying that in Oneonta you lose your independence is bullshit. Tell me why you're so afraid of losing independence. Tell me why you disconnect with those who haven't jumped. Tell me why I can say these things and know that you won't agree anyway, no matter how I put them out there.
You have a different point of view than I do. A point of light for me looking straight on could be a line for you looking from the side. Maybe, because of fixed POVs, we can't see eye to eye in this matter. I can't move from my spot Becky. Know that I've tried, thinking that independence is what you make of it, and if she thinks that by not having certain things she's not independent then... but it doesn't make sense to me. but you should be able to. Walk over, sit in my POV, and explain why it makes total sense to hate living in Oneonta.